A Work in Progress

On time 5 Cooperation 2 Appearance 3 Professionalism 3 Productivity 1 Patient care 5 Yes, that is my 90 day review. (5 being the best) No, it is not accurate. The “crappiest ambulance company on earth” uses a computer to formulate your review. ‘Computer’ as in some random software that the company bought on the street for five cents. I inspected said computer for eyes, a mirror, or hidden camera and found none. Even so, I scored a 3 for appearance. The bottom of the review said that by signing, it meant that I have read and understand the review. I asked, “Can I refuse to sign this? Or would that further lower my cooperation score?” I took it to the guy above my supervisor and inquired into this idiocy. He said that I looked better than half of the employees there and I had been on for 26 hours and was going home, so I probably deserved more than a 3. I pointed out that I am an obsessive professional, (although I didn’t mention that it was really hard when you hate the job...

Nothing makes me happier at work than seeing a stack of fresh sheets and having a full jar of cavicide wipes. In fact, aside from my partners, these are the only things that make me happy at work. I’m feeling a rant post coming up about my disdain for my job. Also, there will be more on its replacement. Something is finally in the works in terms of a better job. I have about 2 more weeks of paper shuffling before it is official, but I am, predictably, dead excited about a professional change. Last week at work we got to go to prison. The prison. We picked up our patient who had pulled out his chest tube. “Didn’t that hurt?” I asked, “It was stitched in.” “No” he replied. On our way out, the officer we were with discovered a nerf football on the ground between the main wall and the actual jail. I guess that 30 feet of grass around the jail and a huge wall serve as additional deterrents from escape. I looked back at him and he was ripping the ball apart and inside it w...

Recently, I finally hit some real mountain biking trails. I feel that I have been missing out on something truly great. I completely get it. Already I have accomplished things on the bike that I never thought possible. It seems that whatever appears on the trail in front of me, I will get past it. Every log, every rock, every root I (for lack of a better technical term) boofed, I laughed out loud. For every root or rock, I (for lack of a better technical term) ‘foobed’, I had a great smile on my face. I am loving it. In just a few trips, I have learned a lot. Clearance is only as high as your lowest pedal (which can be quite low). Wheels have more than one master: you and the terrain. You can go too slow. You can go too fast (well, that's what I hear, but I haven't really tested it yet) Biking can be a full body workout. It is an amazing feeling to have your every fiber totally focused on not dying. Adrenaline is not having a car whiz by you on a hill with a blind curv...

It has been widely believed for the last 24 years that the likelihood of Ellie wearing spandex was equal or less than that of a staunch vegan wearing leather. But, after 14 miles or so on those tiny standard issue bike seats, it was clear that something must be done. So, I dug out that gel seat cover from a few years ago. This gave a marginal amount of relief. Still, it was becoming apparent that real bike shorts were in order. That’s right, bike shorts, the ones made of spandex with that huge padded crotch, shorts that couldn't show any more unless they were painted on, the garment which is generally not acceptable to be worn in public. But, oh how times have changed. They now make what are called ‘baggy bike shorts.’ This is an absolute brilliant concept of taking the standard bike short, and then covering them up with regular shorts. When worn properly, no one knows that the spandex is there! They're even suitable for public viewing. Small children will not be scarre...

My brother moved to NYC last week and I acquired about 20 paintings, 5 boxes of books, some tools, and a cat. Yes, I am a sucker and yes, loving your family can get you into trouble. I am a cat person, but I did not go right out and get one when I moved. I think that I fear permanence. No matter, a free cat with all related accessories is a welcome addition to my, well, kind of lonely apartment. For the first day or so she was completely horrible, hissing and swatting at me whenever we were in the same room. I gave her a pretty sweet set up in my bathroom and bedroom. I bought her treats and toys. I really wanted to win her over. Turns out all she needed was time. Just last night she emerged from her fortress in the bathroom and slept on the bed. I was quite happy. My brother cannot be trusted to name pets. To my knowledge he has named three cats. “Little Cat” who was, consequently, little, “Fatty McBlack” who, surprisingly, was fat and black, but not Scottish. And, now ...

I don’t normally drown my sorrows in a sea of retail, but I have been doing a lot of shopping lately. More than ever, especially after getting my own apartment and realizing that I had pretty much nothing in the way of furniture or anything generally useful. I love and hate shopping. Everyone loves getting new stuff; clothes, chips, yogurt flavors, the accessory that you didn't know you needed until you saw it in the store. I especially like online shopping, but I think that’s mostly because I love getting things in the mail. Shopping also makes me go insane. For example: super Wal-mart. This is a store with just too much stuff in it. It is both convenient and overwhelming to me that I can get groceries, plants, windshield wiper fluid, socks, and a DVD player in the same place. Here, and in any number of stores, I can find myself agonizing over the most ridiculous minutiae. For me, there are just too many choices. I can stand for long minutes in the paper aisle and debate with myse...

I have been biking quite a lot lately. I’ve been on the road (as opposed to the trail) to build up my endurance. Road biking is pretty cool. It’s not nearly as tedious as I envisioned. I can map out different routes depending on how I feel, or how long I have, and see something different every day. I try to stick to the less traveled roads for safety’s sake. Aside from the occasional nice view, road biking is basically ups and downs. In the area around my house it seems that I am either coasting down a hill or struggling up one. This I love and hate. It is an amazing feeling to be pedaling furiously up a steep hill, clicking into a lower gear, while the bike is only advancing inches, head down, all muscles united in a common goal; to crest that hill. I will note tiny landmarks, “just make it to that mailbox, that rock, that driveway.” I question constantly if I will actually make it without stopping. I promise myself that I’ll drink water and rest at the top. I decide to h...

It is inevitable and yet still manages to sneak up on you. Sometimes, death appears so quickly that even it is surprised to be there. Although, it can also linger in the background, waiting and waiting for the opportune moment. In the end, I think that we all want generally the same thing; to go quietly, without a fuss, to feel satisfied, complete, that our work is done, and especially to have our loved ones feel comfortable. These things are, of course, very difficult to measure, and I would guess that only a small percentage of people actually get the death they envision. Or maybe I’m wrong. I have been directly and indirectly involved in deaths of all types; murder, negligence, trauma, respiratory arrest, suicide, miscarriage, cardiac arrest. I have taken people from their homes to hospice, caressed the foot of a dying baby, withheld intervention, performed pointless CPR, told people their mother was dead. Unfortunately, none of this has made death any easier. I wish that these expe...

On Saturday, for some reason (what I lovingly refer to as) the 'Crappiest ambulance company on Earth' was really busy. I hate when that happens. Well, I don't usually mind, but weekends are usually slow. Calls were apparently stacked up from here to kingdom come and everyone was freaking out. Everyone, except for me. They make their own bed, so I won't lose sleep over them scheduling 5 calls when they only have 3 trucks available. But, ironically, I did lose actual sleep over it. Oh well. My regular partner was shipped over to our sister company because they were understaffed as well. So, my partner for the evening was a CRT (I) who is a nice guy, but is partially deaf, and also a mumbler. Basically I couldn't understand a damn thing he was saying, and he couldn't understand a damn thing I was saying. I hated asking him to repeat himself, because I didn't want him to think I was making fun of him, so there were a lot of hanging questions, random po...

Caution: theology ahead. I was finally kayaking again. With the truck back, and the weather cooperating, I was back on the water, and it felt great. I went to a lake that is relatively new to me. It’s pretty big, with plenty to explore, and tons of great flora and fauna. My trip took an oddly philosophical turn. I was in the middle of the lake, paddling along, and I was suddenly struck with emotion. I felt so full of sorrow, and unexpectedly, I found myself asking God for help. Help for everything; to be unafraid, to move on, to be the person I want to be, to trust again. I poured out my fears to Him. I asked for forgiveness for the first time in my life. Forgiveness for being such a fool, forgiveness for all the mistakes I’ve made, for not fulfilling my potential. I was paddling, and crying, and praying. Frankly, activities I rarely combine. Even though most of what I was feeling was remorse and sadness, there was hope too. I could feel it. What is odd, is that I don’...

We had a call to take a patient from a nursing home to the ER for "abdominal issues." We went through the typical motions; go upstairs, get the story from the nurse, ensure that paperwork is in order, ensure that the nurse called the ER, and go to get the patient. We were sharply interrupted from this routine when we entered the patients room and she began to shout "I'm not going! I'm not going! I'm not going!" The story was that she had a colostomy recently, and when the wound was checked that day, it appeared that it was opening, and about to become an abdominal evisceration. (basically when your insides get on the outside...which, obvious to normal humans; is not good) We greeted her politely, and I asked her where she was, what day it was, etc. And to me, she was of sound mind. I told the nurse that if she continued to refuse, we could not take her. The nurse said "OH, she'll go!" At one point, there were at least six staffers in her ro...

Today the truck returned to me and was given a clean bill of health. Well, except that the tires are dry rotted, and there is still that damn ding in the windshield. To celebrate, we went out and got new tires. The ding, I’ll have to address tomorrow. This whole stupid accident only took 22 days and 48+ hours of labor to resolve. I’m here to issue a public apology to the truck for causing it to have such a long hospital stay. I am shamed. But we are now reunited…cut to flashback of Ellie running across the parking lot. Cut to the truck sitting in its parking space. Cut to Ellie running across the parking lot, arms wide. Cut to the truck sitting in its parking space. Cut to Ellie running across the parking lot, eyes welling with tears. Cut to the truck sitting in its parking space. Cut to Ellie lovingly embracing the hood of the truck. Cut to the truck sitting in its parking space while Ellie hugs it. (the embrace becomes uncomfortably long) Cut to Ellie slowly realizing t...

Last shift, amazingly I had an interesting day at work. We started the day out with a NICU transport. This wasn’t really a big deal, as the baby was being transferred to a hospital closer to its parents because it was getting better. Wait. This was actually a happy story! We got the baby there and all was well, but on the way back, we broke down. The truck started to idle like a Harley and was pouring out black exhaust. It was decided for us to stop and get towed. After a series of ridiculous events, including the always morale boosting sight of our ambulance on a tow truck, we found ourselves stranded briefly in a parking lot. This would have been fine if it hadn’t been 95 degrees out and we didn’t have a cot full of several thousands of dollars worth of equipment on it. What I liked the most about being broken down was that this particular truck was on its first day back after about 5k worth of work to the engine and a month of being out of service. We were rescued and got...

The prodigal bike has returned! I brought it into the bike shop yesterday, and after a little assessment the bike guy said: "You want to know how many times I've seen this? Never." I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or worse. Turns out that the broken part was not exactly what he thought it would be. A rear derailleur can break, if abused, and usually at this one particular spot. It's usually pretty detrimental to the bike as it can bend into the wheel and cause damage to the rim as well. And it's about a $40 part. As my derailleur broke at the bolt, it was very strange, apparently, and we decided it was a factory defect. So, he replaced the whole thing, and expanded my knowledge of bike maintenance by about 500%. That afternoon I took it for a nice long ride, and everything was working great. Also, I started a part time job, made headway into finding a new full time job, ran into an old friend, and made and old cat happy.

Mere hours after my last post, I went to take the bike out, planning to visit my brother. I hopped off of one curb. A standard sized curb, nothing out of the ordinary, it didn’t have spikes, or sharp edges, or, um, anything that could be thought to be detrimental to the common human powered bicycle. The back tire came off the curb, and immediately something was wrong. The chain was hanging languidly from the gears. Damn! I thought, the chain fell off, I’ll never get it back on! Closer inspection revealed that something was far more amiss than the chain falling off. What I now know to be the rear derailleur, had broken completely off. Literally, the bolt holding it to the frame, snapped. I looked around, and found pieces of the bike that had fallen off and were strewn in the road. Clearly beyond my skills to heal, I went back upstairs and called the bike shop. This is where I learned that I don’t have much of a bike vocabulary at all. “The, um, thing connected to the gears, ...

For my birthday, I bought myself a new bike. I remember clearly my last birthday bike. It was white and pink, I was dead excited, and I rode the hell out of that thing. I think that I was eight. My last bike was a no frills bike and it served me well, but it was time for something new. So, I went down to a local bike shop and they gave me the hook ups with an ’08 Specialized Myka. (pictured above, although, I can tell you, it looks a lot better with mud caked on it.) I don’t really know much about bike brands, but it has front RockShox, and most of the other components are made by Shimano. I didn’t get disc brakes, because, well, they add almost $200 to the price. Maybe one day I’ll upgrade and get them installed. Since my birthday, I’ve taken it out everyday that I haven’t worked. We've had a lot of bonding time as I only work once every four days. I’ve found lots of fun things to do with it around my house, some nice steep climbs and a little creek that is great fun to...

I'm a little behind in posting pictures, to say the least. Considering that the last time I added, it was February, and that most of the new NH pictures are wintry scenes. But, there are pictures of me be being totally BA and bustin' a cap w/my 9. Fo sho! I love that you can see the shell casing flying in this pic, sweet! Also, I added some pics of kayak spots. Mostly pictures of Great Falls, VA. Okay, so calling this a 'kayak spot' is stretching it, but people do kayak it. Just not me. There are pictures of wild ponies on Assateague island taken from the Chincoteague bay. You can call them all Misty. New Hampshire Winter Kayak Spots

Things I’ve learned Providing your children with everything they need is not always the best course. Times of crisis help the important things show through. To feel loved and cared for is truly all I need to survive. Facing what you fear the most makes you a stronger person. I mean, it has to. An inherent need for independence is essential. Bitter people amuse me. False people make me angry. Sometimes you can give someone everything and it is still not enough. These people should not haunt you. I am tired of crying. Unconditional love is hard to come by; it should not be squandered. It is easier to be angry than to be sad. Kayaking is still the greatest activity known to man. Fishing gear can be replaced. Life is hard. I love my family immensely. There are not proper words to tell it. My insurance deductible is $250. J.K. Rowling is a genius. Getting flowers always feels nice. Life is good. It’s okay to feel confident and to feel afraid. I can make dinner. I am ready. Things ...

This weekend I should have packed it in, stayed in bed, and eaten ice cream like I wanted to. I worked on Saturday, and most of it was overtime which was nice. My only complaint is an odd one; I was bored most of the day. Okay, all of the day, except when I was sleeping. I generally avoided thinking about what the day could have been. I marked it in increments of time, and it passed. Hours good and bad will always pass. I left work and headed home. On the highway, I got a ding in my windshield. Rock versus glass made that painful little ‘crack!’ and I knew it had left a mark. To illustrate how I have been more myself lately, I only emitted one curse word, and decided to call someone to fix it on Monday. I surprised myself with my calmness and I took heart in it. The incident with the bug must have calmed my angered nerves. Later, I went to have lunch with some NH friends who were in town for, well, nothing. It was very nice as six of us ended up hanging out for most of th...

I am no stranger to crisis. I am a stranger, however, to personal crisis. But, when I have a call that bothers me, for example, I recite the mantra that I am having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation and I deal with it. (yay for CISM, lol) I have been dealing with what I believe I can safely call a big personal crisis over the last few weeks. This, unfortunately magnifies anything else smaller going on in my life. Tonight, something very physically small indeed. I went to get a coke to get me through my marathon reading of Harry Potter, and discovered what I believed to be the largest roach I had ever seen. Even in my Baltimore City days, I saw roaches more in large volumes, but never one this size. I, of course, scared it and watched in horror as it ran under the refrigerator. I was immediately in crisis mode. First, I ran to the bedroom to get the sturdiest shoes I could find, and rolled up my pant legs. Then I fished my Maglight out of my camping gear. Whether I ...