Facebook rant ahead. You were warned.

I love facebook, but it has its drawbacks, as we all know. Poised to turn 30, it is my generation whom has taken over this free version of classmates.com and made it what it is today: a place where we can all annoy each other based on accomplishments, vacations, jobs, spouses, and babies. I’ve seen pictures of babies I will never meet, weddings I didn’t attend, and vacations I didn’t go on. It’s really rather insane. While I love hearing about everyone’s successes and accomplishments, seeing your vacation pictures and keeping up with kids I rarely see, sometimes it’s all too much.
Now I know that I’m guilty of too many pictures, too many meaningless updates, and too many ‘wish you were here’ posts, but...I don’t know, I’m empowered to complain. Here’s a list of things I’d consider banning if I were in charge of anything.

1. Baby development pictures. I know you’re excited about your baby and you should be! I just don’t want to see every moment of its gestation. Especially ultrasounds. No, especially baby bumps. No, especially every step of the way towards decoration of the nursery. All are equally weird. My favorite is the ultrasound picture that 500 people liked, and then at least 50 commented that the baby was a. cute or b. looked like you. This is my favorite because neither is true. It’s a fetus. That, and I'm sure that one day your kid will not appreciate you posting a picture of their 'boy parts' on the internet. I’m going to post a scan of my liver on facebook and see what happens. As for baby bumps; Considering half of them look like what I already have in the belly department, and believe me, that’s not a baby bump, the whole thing just pisses me off.

2. Everything's wonderful all the time. I'm not looking for depressing posts, but the never-ending stream of adorable pictures of your children and/or awesome house, posts about how wonderful your boyfriend is because he brought you ice cream, and any post whatsoever about how easy it was to lose the baby weight: banned. (wow, bitter single woman, am I?)

3. Those pictures that are really just a quote. What is up with that? Motivation is great, but do you really have to share it with everyone? And I keep falling into the trap of reading them! Several just today that left me saying only ‘I can’t believe I just wasted the time reading that.” Which is probably what you will say about this post. Sorry. At least you knew going in that it was a rant.

4. Posts about the weather. It’s hot?! I had no idea? I guess my office doesn’t have windows. Or perhaps I never leave the house, or I haven’t seen my electricity bill this month. And, in August too! Hot! Who knew?! Likewise, winter is cold. At least that’s what facebook tells me. (and my sarcasm meter just broke).

5.  Countdowns. Everyone has been invited to your wedding/party and they put the date on their calendar. There is no need for a daily reminder. Or, we’re not going on that vacation so I’m afraid we don’t really care how long it is until it starts. Except perhaps there is the hope that there won’t be internet where you go so we won’t have to see the fruits of that countdown until your regular life resumes.

6. Political opinions. I firmly believe that everything political on facebook was posted just to get the other side angry. I am the ‘token liberal’ at my place of work, and I feel that every conservative post I read from co-workers is directed at my blood pressure. Unfortunately, it works! Unfortunately, I already know your opinion and I still accept you all for who you are.

7. Pictures that will bite you in the ass later. I’m talking about the beer filled drunk parties that have no business being in public. Just like you probably had no business being in public when they were taken. Employers look at this stuff. Of this, I have no doubt.

That said, there are things I’d like to see more of. If you’re still reading this, perhaps you put a little stock in my thoughts so here’s the balance.

1. Any posts that warms the heart and mind. From meaningful articles to ted talks. Actual news that’s well written and intelligently researched, and anything that’s fascinating and restores my faith in humanity.

2. Pictures from your vacations. Because I love travel, and I love to see other people do it too.

3. Pictures of your kids. I know, some of us just can’t be pleased. There are parents out there who neglect the power of facebook and the magic it performs in connecting us all. Now show me those kids before they go off to college.

4. Just plain, honest, humanizing posts.

5. Things that make me laugh. It’s really all I want anyway.

Pirate Tooth

I recently acquired what I call my ‘pirate tooth,’ a crown of gold atop a, now humiliated molar. It was very expensive, so I like to show it off. It can’t be seen unless I pull my cheek back, so showing it off is difficult and gross. But all will appreciate my hard earned tooth!
I have one, unrelated half crooked tooth in my mouth and when I first met my new dentist, she looked at me carefully from each side and then determined that the side of my smile without the offending tooth was my “better side.” Well, thank you, that is the angle used in all of my photo shoots. Then she suggested that I get invisalign for my one semi-crooked tooth which I entertained for a second before she said it was $4000. Then I laughed for five minutes, but what if I had two “better sides”?

Anyway, back to the pirate tooth. I found the whole thing traumatic as I hate all things teeth and dentistry. Like many people, I have an irrational anxiety at the dentist. I guess I should stop hiding my anxiety as my dentist didn’t seem to believe that while getting dental work done I am constantly thinking ‘go to your happy place!’ without even deciding where that is. I find myself so tense at in the dentists’ chair that my arms actually hurt by the time I get home.
She was reluctant and ultimately didn’t give me any anti-anxiety medication, so, I brought my ipod which felt rude. Can’t win.
Either way, she suggested gold as it adheres better and last longer and other stuff I stopped listening about so that’s what I did. Really I got it because the tooth cannot be seen without putting some effort into it. Last week when I went for the final installation and reveal visit, my dentist excitedly showed me the gold tooth in all its glory. Holding it on a custom plinth, she ‘oohed and aahed’ over it and raved about how beautiful it was and how much it was worth until I told her that I felt like we were getting engaged.
Installation was atraumatic and I’m happy to report I have had a slurpee and ice cream since without wanting to cry. So, brush and floss kids, or you too will have a pirate tooth.

A 5 decade

In cycling, if one rides 100 miles in a day, they call it a century. It sounds cool. When I did 50 miles for a charity ride last week, they called it 50 miles. I think it would be much better if cycling adopted cool names for smaller accomplishments with your velocipede. Such as 50 miles is a 5 decade. It can be applied to any number of miles under 100.
"Yeah, I did a 7 decade yesterday, it was awesome."
or, "I did a 2 decade! And I lived!"
or, "I did a decade on my bike yesterday," he proudly sniffed. "Wasn't so bad."

Anyway, I did 50 miles and it really wasn't so bad. Probably because I was slightly prepared, had good company, and the terrain was more or less flat, but I did survive. I'm not sure how I got roped into it, but, it was one of those situations where I knew I wouldn't regret saying 'yes.'  Only three days before, I bought my first proper road bike.  It's a 1983 trek, sold to me as 'vintage.'  Ha!  Well, It does look pretty cool with its leather saddle and old school branding, but 'vintage'?  Really?!

It was possibly the oldest bike on the ride (and coolest) and I was only slightly worried that I'd only ridden it 40 miles total ever before, but we set out and did like Dory does; just kept pedaling.  The breaks were well spaced and food was plentiful, and the weather was great.  Well.  It was overcast which protected us from the being too hot, then it rained, which protected us from being to dry.   Almost the entire last half, it rained.  The kind of drizzle that within minutes, soakes you to the bone.  But, it was cool, which is really the important part. 

Afterwards, we treated ourselves to a hamburger and milkshake, I think the appropriate 5 decade post- ride fare.  The ride must have posessed me, as in the following days, I took the bike out enough to round out my weeks total to 130 miles. I went in the mornings, and after work when I would have usually rather napped, voluntairly!  Thankfully, that sickness has passed.  Kind of.