PANCE Prep

I am happy to report that I officially got my "C" last week.  PA-C that is, after stumbling through a five hour, life-changing exam.  

A few weeks ago I was really feeling fine about it until my neighbor said "Oh you're test is soon?  Pretty cool as it's like the culmination of two years work right?" 

I left the conversation wide-eyed thinking, yes, two years of work.  Although that isn't so accurate.  Really, it's been like three years of taking prerequisites, re-teaching myself chemistry, saving money, boosting my resume, applying, being rejected, applying again, waiting to start, then 26 months of studying and scraping by, moving twice, working all of the holidays, first days, feeling intimidated, scrubbing in, fitting in, moving on, conferences, studying, studying, studying.  As I walked away and all of this sank in, I started to panic, and panic studying gets me nowhere.  

What did I do with the last few months?  Why did I re-watch stranger things?  Did I do enough?  Should I have skipped work?  Should I have bought this review book or that app, or that question bank?  

This entire period from graduation to testing is one of the most bizarre of my life in terms of stress.  Blissful moments realizing "school is over!"  Only to be brought back down to earth with "the test is coming!"  This looming thing that, yes, I have known about since the beginning, but isn't really tangible for a long time.  I saw a sliver of it on the horizon in January, which I when I started making my study outline based on the published blueprint of the exam.  Interest in filling that out waxes and wanes and study for other more specific things gets in the way.  Then we had coronavirus.  Days upon days of self directed study which, for me, is where I struggle the most.  My default is doing what is easiest and it was a steep curve to actually train myself to want to study. 

Like exercise, I tried to get addicted to studying and I just couldn't do it.  But, I made a plan, and a check sheet, and stuck to it (for the most part).  I did maybe 2000+ practice questions across several platforms and then two weeks before the exam I felt "ready" although no one really knows what that feels like and it's easy to confuse readiness with just being tired of studying.  I turned it up a notch, and flash carded before bed, took full-length practice exams, and only listened to educational podcasts while I drove. 

Two days out I opened a book or my laptop and mostly just stared into space, or mindlessly flipped through the pages.  If I'm honest, I got absolutely nothing done in those days, other than plan my PANCE snacks and immediate post-PANCE activities.  

These steps can not be taken lightly.  What do you want to eat in the middle of a five hour exam?  For me, it was basically granola bars and starbursts.  Thanks to my full length practice exams, I knew I faded by the 4th set of 60 questions, so I planned to give myself extra sugar and caffeine during that break.  

The post-PANCE activities are as important as anything before.  Firstly and immediately, plan to cry, want to vomit, and feel chest pain.  Then, if you're like me, you will get home and want an immediate stiff drink.  More importantly, I surrounded myself with classmates and test-takers to dine and commiserate with.  I do not suggest going home and wallowing alone, though maybe that is your thing, and maybe only if you have a lot of ice cream.  The test seems designed to make you feel like you failed no matter how well you did.  I feel it's bad to look up questions you vacillated on because that only makes you feel worse and sadly, the dye is cast by then and there's nothing you can do about it.   

The next day, I took a weekend road trip and camped and kayaked with some friends and their kids.  It was the perfect distraction, relaxing, and altogether wonderful for many reasons.  It held back the waves of terror and trepidation that come while waiting for your score to come in.  Road tripping allowed me to feel overwhelmed by two years of podcasts to catch up on instead of how much studying I had to do.  What a wonderful feeling.  When I got home I busied myself with projects around the house I had put off in the name of PANCE, and exactly four working days later I got the fateful email.  

It is terrifyingly vague and directs you to log in, which takes forever, and stops several times to ask inane things like if I want (RIGHT NOW) to set up 2-step verification or something I don't even remember.  Then the site itself is so bland, I had to just go and look myself up on the provider lookup portion of the website to be sure.  

The relief is immediate and incremental at the same time.  I found myself sobbing into my cat at first, then full of manic energy I wasn't sure where to put.  I had champagne with my parents, and felt more relaxed than ever.  I laughed at jokes that weren't very funny and later in the day felt suddenly teary eyed at the grocery store for no obvious reason.  I watched TV for the first time in months without a nagging feeling that I was forgetting something.  

The next day the feeling was still there, but now the need for state licensure and to find and actual JOB began to sink in as well, but event these tasks seem like nothing compared to what had just happened.  I can chase down some paperwork, no problem.  I can surf job sites, easy peasy!

So that's where I am.  A weird in-between.  I happily am still employed as a paramedic so the job, while necessary, is not urgent.  The license paperwork is tedious but just about done.  I am relaxed a bit, working on my "Post-PANCE Projects" list while I have free time.