Ellie's guide to Online Dating Pt. 2

I have renewed my efforts in online dating as of late. I've joined a free site that a friend recommended and I like it so far mostly because it is free, but also because it really seems like they are putting an effort into matching you with acceptable people.

This recent foray has led me to create part 2 of my guide to online dating. I feel that many profile makers need a coach or a guide to follow to increase their chance of success. Despite my wild non-success, I still feel I can dole out some advice. I feel that in my absence from online dating, the weirdness has gotten worse. Now, I know you should be yourself and all that and not put up a false front, but sometimes we just need to do a better job at hiding our crazy. Everyone does it. It's quite a phenomena that we all walk around making vain attempts to look normal. We are not. No one is. That being said, women want normal guys, (as far as I know) and the more crazy you reveal in your profile, the less success you will have. Give it in small doses over a lifetime of marriage instead.
Profile:

• please, for the love of God, message me in plain English. Not txt or 'abreevs' as this does not show me that you are a functioning member of society. It shows you are too lazy to use vowels. Stop it.
• youtube should not be among the things you can't live without.
• if you mention a woman's personal hygiene several times in your profile it is off-putting and makes you look crazy which you probably are.
• online dating is not an appropriate forum to spread you religious or strange diet-based beliefs. Ease up.
• put more Myers-Briggs personality test results. It reminds me of college.
• don't put 'xxx' anywhere in your username. Honestly.
• I know it feels silly to answer open-ended questions about yourself, but take at least one seriously.
• amusing and clever lists of likes and dislikes are nice, and amusing. And clever.

Picture:

• do not post pictures of yourself taken via webcam
• on the same token, do not post pictures of yourself taken with your phone while in your bathroom.
• these pictures right off the bat say to me that you don't own a camera, nor do you have any friends, nor do you do anything other than sit at your computer or go to the bathroom.
• no lighting around a computer is good.
• I do not want to see your bathroom
• Unless your bathroom is in a palace of some sort, it is probably not the background that you want to be seen in before I even meet you.
• can you see it framed in your home later?  "Oh honey, there's the first picture I ever saw of you.  Don't your tattoos look nice?  That shower curtain really won me over."
• Just get someone to take your picture.
• one caveat: if the picture is just of your abs, that's okay.
• do not post posed 'olan mills' type pictures. Seriously, this is creepy. You might as well take one with you mom next to you. Oh wait. You did.
• comb your hair. I saw one picture of a guy and his hair was literally covering his entire face. I don't want to date your hair, I want to date your face. If you are that hideous, I suggest lying.
• avoid pictures of yourself photoshopped onto interesting backgrounds. You are not fooling anyone.
• also, avoid any of the following picture situations: at comic con, doing cos-play, holding your pet chinchilla, with your car, posing with fantasy weapons, cuddling a stuffed animal.
• while we're on the subject, just avoid silly hats and pictures taken in bars.
• what's that? A picture of you with a kitten? aww, I'll allow it.