31 July 2007

Searching for silver linings

This weekend I should have packed it in, stayed in bed, and eaten ice cream like I wanted to. I worked on Saturday, and most of it was overtime which was nice. My only complaint is an odd one; I was bored most of the day. Okay, all of the day, except when I was sleeping.

I generally avoided thinking about what the day could have been. I marked it in increments of time, and it passed. Hours good and bad will always pass. I left work and headed home.
On the highway, I got a ding in my windshield. Rock versus glass made that painful little ‘crack!’ and I knew it had left a mark. To illustrate how I have been more myself lately, I only emitted one curse word, and decided to call someone to fix it on Monday. I surprised myself with my calmness and I took heart in it. The incident with the bug must have calmed my angered nerves.

Later, I went to have lunch with some NH friends who were in town for, well, nothing. It was very nice as six of us ended up hanging out for most of the afternoon catching up and reliving old times.
I headed home for the second time that day. As I headed down the highway, I drove into a wicked rain storm. I have seriously not seen rain like that in a long time. Traffic had slowed in general as visibility was seriously decreased. I was in the ‘fast’ lane and following the road down an incline when I saw a state trooper pulled over and another car in the middle of the median ahead. As anyone does when they see a cop ahead, I checked my speed and found it acceptably under the limit.

Without warning, as these things happen, I felt that my back tires were no longer acquainted with the road surface. I attempted to compensate and stayed out of my neighboring lane, but ended up doing a 180 into the car that was in the median, narrowly missed the trooper, and came to rest facing the wrong direction in the median against the guardrail.
A lot of things seemed to happen at once. A quick head-to-toe of myself, putting the car in park and turning it off, and getting out to assist the poor sap who was in the car I hit. The trooper met me before I could get out completely, and asked if I was okay. “Yeah,” I replied, “I’m a paramedic, is he okay? Are you okay?” They were both fine. But I thought it was funny that I sort of felt that saying I was a paramedic exempted me from being hurt. I feel like I could have had my arm off and as long as I assured everyone that I was a paramedic, no one would question me.
Meanwhile, it was raining buckets, and in the few minutes I was outside the truck, I was absolutely soaked. From what I could tell, the truck was okay, although I could only see one side of it. I still felt shocked when the trooper said I could drive it away, as long as I had four wheel drive. Ironically, the other car had just been in a wreck, which is why it was in the middle of the median. I know I did damage to it, but it already being messed up was small consolation for me.
After handing over the necessary documents, I spent 5 minutes locating my phone which somehow got into the backseat. I then put my seatbelt back on and called my mom.
It’s amazing how quickly one can say: ‘I’vebeeninanaccidentandI’mokay’ to someone. It’s also amazing how the paramedic in me can take over and make me sound perfectly calm when I felt absolutely not calm.

I was not given a ticket, although getting one might have helped to assuage my guilt.
I tentatively pulled out of what was now a seasonal river in the median, and got back on the highway. Luckily, I was close to home and drove straight to a body shop. The damage seemed to be mostly cosmetic. You could definitely feel it was damaged and there was wet grass absolutely everywhere.
My parents picked me up, and randomly, we went to my brother’s cafĂ©, as I needed ice cream, stat. We stayed there for a while. I attempted to reconstruct the scene using a key, a penknife, and some cough drops. As I did, I realized how much I missed in the mere seconds of the accident. For example, I have no idea what I hit with the drivers side of my truck. It will remain a mystery. Then, my sister and her family arrived, and we all hung out together. It had been a long time since we had this opportunity, and it was wonderful.

Sometimes the silver lining is hard to find. Sometimes the advantages of crappy situations people come up with are silly and petty. For example, not having to go to the DMV this week to get my Maryland plates is not a silver lining to this.
Unlike other recent events in my life the silver lining in this was obvious. I could have killed people. I could have killed a state trooper. I could have flipped over, and I’m not quite sure what stopped me. The truck could have been totaled. I could have been injured, a lot.

So, here I am, breathing in and out, putting one foot in front of the other as best I can, looking for somewhere to put my sadness.
Life can be unpredictable and confusing, but never dull. Shit.

21 July 2007

A crisis

I am no stranger to crisis. I am a stranger, however, to personal crisis. But, when I have a call that bothers me, for example, I recite the mantra that I am having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation and I deal with it. (yay for CISM, lol)
I have been dealing with what I believe I can safely call a big personal crisis over the last few weeks. This, unfortunately magnifies anything else smaller going on in my life. Tonight, something very physically small indeed.

I went to get a coke to get me through my marathon reading of Harry Potter, and discovered what I believed to be the largest roach I had ever seen. Even in my Baltimore City days, I saw roaches more in large volumes, but never one this size. I, of course, scared it and watched in horror as it ran under the refrigerator.
I was immediately in crisis mode. First, I ran to the bedroom to get the sturdiest shoes I could find, and rolled up my pant legs. Then I fished my Maglight out of my camping gear. Whether I wanted to illuminate the situation with it, or beat the roach into the floor with it, I was undecided. Tentatively, I shined the light under the fridge, revealing nothing. Then the oven, again fruitlessly. I then weaved a tapestry of profanity that will be hanging over my street for years to come.
I went to old reliable google and found a great picture of it. Yep, it was looking more and more like a roach. So, I called my mom. She suggested roach spray, obviously, so I marched up to the grocery store which is a short walk from my house. On the way there, I found myself muttering insane ramblings to myself, and generally looking crazy. I realized that I was absolutely furious with this creature. Its only crime, existence.
I found some spray, and carried it back in the grocery bag as if it were a bag of nickels, and I was ready to thrash somebody with it if the need arose. I thought about that movie where the girl gets a bug in her ear and goes insane. Maybe that had already happened. That could explain why I couldn’t stop mumbling to myself about killing bugs.
I got up to my apartment and open the door, and there was an ant. An ant! I pulled out my spray, and even if the spray didn’t kill it, the drowning would. I then set my sights on the kitchen. I sprayed the hell out of under the fridge and surrounding area. I felt like it was salt to ward off witches and if I just made a proper perimeter, I would be safe.
After becoming intoxicated in spray fumes, my dad called me and offered to come over to check it out. Thank God he did. He arrived, armed with a broom and a yard stick, bless him. He thoroughly investigated under the appliances, and even pulled out the refrigerator. A very fruitful action, as after he sprayed the crap out of behind the fridge, the little guy ran out and tried to escape. I flew into full on girl mode and yelled, “There it is!! Kill it!!” This, from a person who is usually as passive as a Quaker. I'm not sure what stopped me from grabbing the broom and leaping onto the nearest chair. Thankfully, my father threw down his enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountainside...or the kitchen floor.

I have convinced myself for now that this was an isolated incident and we will never speak of it again.

Crisis averted.

18 July 2007

An update, really.

I feel compelled to write a little update. I love to write, and I love to have something to write about. Amazingly, my interfacility job gave me two interesting calls to write about. I haven't written those down yet, so this update is literally that; an update.

I feel like things are a little better for me. I have moved into my own apartment, and I've turned a big, empty room into a living space that I really enjoy being in.

I actually did some calls at work that made me feel worthwhile. I didn't expect that, and I hope it continues.

I know that I am not alone. Love and hope and wisdom are all around me. I love to find them. I love to find them in unexpected places.

Recently, I've felt hungry. I guess it's a good thing as I hadn't felt hungry for about a month. I've also cooked things and I hope to continue to expand my culinary skills outside the realm of hot pockets and peanut butter burritos.

I feel like I am having fewer bad days. Or, the bad days are getting easier to tolerate. I'm not sure which. Sometimes I can't even tell if I've feeling sad or angry.

Things may not be going the way I hoped they would, but it seems more like things are just not going they way I thought they would. I think that having to accept that has been very difficult.
In the past I have set goals and made plans, I always had a direction. It is a very odd place for me to be; not carrying out a plan I made. Having to admit to myself that it was not the best plan, and then to realize that without it I had almost nothing to go on, was awful.
But I know now that even though I might not have a plan, I will never be without purpose. A purpose of my choosing, that my every day should be based upon. I also know that when I least expect them, plans will emerge, like they always have.

03 July 2007

Questionable Progress

It's been nearly a month since my last update now.
Things in my life aren't going they way I hoped they would, to say the least. It's amazing how quickly ones life can change. I knew exactly where my life was going. I was nearing the best thing so far; the thing I believed would bring me unparalleled happiness.
But, in seemingly an instant, I now find myself with no direction.
I am lost.

So, my work in progress, I feel has stalled. I do have a new job, unfortunately it has, well, not been that awesome. In the next couple weeks I'll have a new apartment, and from there I hope I can sort out my new life. Although, it's not what I expected.

I'm not going to stop the blog, I will try to write more.

I bought a couch. And a kitchen table.

It was hard to do it alone.

Lots of things are hard.

I'd like hope or closure, as I have neither.

I've gotten lots of advice lately, some of it has helped.

All of it has been given out of love, all of it is appreciated.

I feel like I have learned to let love in, but I have forgotten how to trust.

Silly things make me cry...silly things make me laugh.

"With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy."